Dating CV

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."

- Franklin P. Jones

Why do we write a CV (curriculum vitae)? To chronicle our experience, in the hopes of conveying our skills, ability and knowledge to potential future employers. A CV (a.k.a. résumé in North America) is a short description of how we want the working world to view us. We list what we can do, and the experience it took to gain such skills, and provide references on request. This cannot give a perfect picture of us as an employee, but certainly creates an image for the people who need to evaluate our suitability.

I think we need to extend this concept to the realm of dating. After all, dating is one of the areas of our lives that has the greatest bearing on our personal happiness, and yet it's basically a crapshoot. We go on dates to learn about the other person, but from the get-go we know next to nothing about them; we essentially choose randomly for something that is intrinsic to our personal contentment. Maybe it's time to start culling the herd before we leap into the fray of dating.

Just as in the job market, there is no "perfect" CV. Different skills are required for different jobs, and different attributes apply to different people. But we cannot gauge the attributes of a potential suitor until it's too late and we're dating them. What if we could pre-filter "applicants" by looking for those with skills we desire? You want someone who knows how to cook? That had better be on their CV. Prefer to date only short (or tall, thin, fat, whatever) partners? Why not have that listed right up front? It wouldn't guarantee a match, but might boost your odds.

Of course, this removes some of the spontaneity, the joy inherent in discovering the attributes that make up your partner; truly this is one of the best things about the early stages of dating, you feel like an intrepid explorer charting new territory. But this joy is tempered with a major risk of failure-you might find out something that's an absolute deal-breaker in your view, something that with adequate warning could have been noted before any risk of heartbreak. This is already done to a degree by those engaging in online dating sites: when you get a list of a potential date's likes, dislikes and more, you are already filtering people based on your criteria. So why not formalise the concept?

Of course, getting references might be tricky. How can you expect an honest reference from an ex if the relationship ended badly? Though you might have many wonderful qualities, the enmity they feel since your breakup could forever colour their feelings. And of course, like any other CV, people will stretch the truth. "I can make a frozen pizza" suddenly becomes "I have an affinity for and exemplary skill in Italian cuisine".

Who knows? Maybe one day we'll enact this, and we'll soon enough see couples on the dance floors of popular clubs, exchanging two-page CVs detailing the highlights of their dating abilities. Past partners will be called for references, and we will weigh up all those who seek our affection. After a thorough, yet expedient evaluative process, we will contact the successful applicant, and they can begin their training. And what's more romantic than bringing mindless corporate logic and efficiency to the world of dating?

So, please use the comments section below to post what you would put on your dating CV.

NOTE: If you have taken this post with even the slightest wisp of seriousness, please write the word "sarcasm" on a cricket bat and apply it forcibly and repeatedly to your forehead. Consider this holiday goofiness at it's best. I ultimately just want a way to brag about my back massaging skills.

"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions."

- Woody Allen

Bizarre bike stuff theft

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who hasn't sufficient capital to form a company."

- Howard Scott

It's almost a rite of passage in Manchester to get your bike stolen, a rite in which I fortunately have yet to participate. My friend and flatmate Dan, combined with his prior flatmate Jono, have had six bikes and one rear wheel stolen in the past two years. My friend Mike has had a shocking eight bikes stolen in the last 15 months. And my friend Liz has had at least two stolen, possibly more. Needless to say, they have contributed well to the scuzzy section of Manchester's society. I have so far been spared, due in no small way to how little I ride my bike around town, and the fact that I have always stored it within my flat.

However, I have had my first brush with bike theft since coming to Manchester, but in a bizarre and baffling way. You see, while my bike was locked up outside of the Stopford building last Tuesday (while I was in for debating and then the post-debate pub), some punk stole some of the stuff from my bike. Specifically, he stole the rear mudguard and light, and my two water bottles. In and of itself, not that strange, but only odd once you consider what was required to do so.

You see, I recently bought a security cable. This 8-foot-long woven steel cable allows me to lock up my front wheel and wrap it around my seat, thus avoiding me needing to remove those two things. In addition, I can now lock my helmet to my bike. The end result is that I spend and extra minute or two locking up my bike, but I no longer have to haul my seat and helmet with me. I used to carry the water bottles as well, but gave up figuring they were too worthless to bother stealing. Silly me.

Anyway, this still doesn't make it weird. What makes it weird is that I can't loop the security cable through my seat, so I wrap it around the post a few times, over and under the mudguard, hopefully making it enough of a pain to get off to not make it worthwhile. The light and the mudguard both attached to the seat post. What this means is that the thieves wiggled the cable loose enough to get the seat out, pulled the seat out of the bike, thus freeing the cable. They then took the mudguard and light (original retail value combined £25 or so) and replaced the seat. The seat isn't worth a lot, but probably more than the rest combined. The light had a half-broken clip, and the mudguard was filthy. The water bottles were old and scratched. So their net benefit from this was maybe £5, if they were lucky. But the seat probably could have sold for £10 or more. So why not take it?

As I see it, there are usually two reasons for theft like this:

1. Make money. Well, obviously, it's not that. Like I say, the seat was the most expensive thing they removed, and they put it back. They also overlooked the tire pump, though it's black and was obscured somewhat by the security cable, so maybe they just didn't notice that). Even if the seat weren't worth more, it's worth something, so why not take it?
2. Vandalism. This pisses me off more than theft, but some people will steal or destroy things just because they like to cause harm to others. But again, in this case, why not take the seat? It'll certainly piss me off more to have to ride home without a seat and to have to replace this more-expensive item. Even if you (as the thief) don't keep it, just toss it in the bin; I'll still be equally annoyed.

So, what is the explanation? The only thing I can possibly come up with, is some guy passing by on his bike said to himself "boy, it sure is dark and wet, and I'm really thirsty! I wish I had a light to make me more visible, a mudguard to keep my butt dry and some water bottles to slake my thirst. Hmmmmmmm.... I have an idea!" If not this, I have no idea why someone would pass on the seat. It could be that they just wanted to cram what they could fit into a backpack for easy transport, but the mudguard is far longer than the seat. So who knows? Anyone have any ideas?

I'm baffled. Also a little pissed that I now need to buy a second mudguard in as many weeks. I guess I'll have to find a way to more-securely lock up my seat.

Get a bicycle. You will not regret it, if you live.

-Mark Twain